Are You Expected to Be the Problem-Solver or the People-Pleaser?

Let’s be real, there are people in our lives who only want to be catered to, and ongoing issues grant that to happen. Therefore, there will be times when your energy is going towards a loss cause. This is why it is essential to understand if you are in a conversation with someone who truly wants a resolution. Someone who truly cares about the issue will want to work with you to get it resolved. Individuals who are only seeking attention and your emotions will work against you at every turn possible. So how can you spot the difference? In this article, we’ll dive into some comparisons to see if you are expected to be the problem-solver or the people-pleaser.

Disclaimer: This blog has affiliate links. This means that, at no extra cost to you, if you so choose to participate in some of the learning opportunities here, we at Kyrabe Stories may receive a commission as gratitude from the partnering companies. Additionally, AI tools, such as ChatGPT, were used to assist with identifying and organizing these examples into easier-to-understand comparisons. Thank you sincerely for your support and for your desire to learn and grow!

Are they providing clear communication or vague/passive-aggressive hints?

When someone expects you to be a problem-solver, they’ll usually come straight out and say what’s wrong. On the other hand, if they expect you to be a people-pleaser, they may opt to instead drop hints, leaving you guessing what the real issue is or vaguely addressing the issue in a passive-aggressive manner. Let’s take a look at some examples:

• Clear communication: “I’m feeling really overwhelmed today—can we talk for a few minutes?”
• Vague/passive-aggressive hint: “I guess you don’t care that I’m struggling right now.”

• Clear communication: “We need to cut back on expenses this month. Can we review the current spending?”
• Vague/passive-aggressive hint: “Sure, let’s just run out of money again…typical.”

• Clear communication: “Can you clarify the instructions for this task? I want to make sure I get it right.”
• Vague/passive-aggressive hint: “Looks like I’m gonna have to figure everything out myself, as usual.”

If you’re constantly needing to go into detective mode to figure out what’s going on with the other person, it’s a red flag for people-pleasing expectations.

Do they provide a collaborative approach or one-sided demands?

A problem-solving conversation invites teamwork. They see you as a partner in finding solutions. People-pleasers often get stuck in one-sided demands, many times with inconsiderate and/or unrealistic expectations.

• Collaborative: “Let’s brainstorm a few ideas to resolve this before it becomes a bigger problem.”
• One-sided: “This is all your fault, so you need to come up with a solution.”

• Collaborative: “Let’s divide these tasks so we can meet the deadline together.”
• One-sided: “You need to handle these tasks before the deadline. You know that I’m too busy with other things.”

• Collaborative: “Can we both pitch in to clean the apartment this weekend?”
• One-sided: “You never help clean up. You better do your part this weekend.”

If they’re not willing to work together or they tend to find ways to be accusative and evade their responsibilities, chances are they expect you to take on all the weight to keep them happy.

Do they give constructive feedback or deliver it as a personal attack?

Constructive feedback focus on the task, not you. They provide an honest assessment of a specific situation and genuine feedback for improvement. People-pleasing dynamics can sound more like they want you to feel guilty about your mistakes with little to no interest in helping you fix the issue. A big tip-off is if their feedback leaves you feeling personally attacked rather than motivated to improve.

• Constructive feedback: “The presentation was well-designed and informative, though the budget section could use more details. May I provide some recommendations?”
• Personal attack: “I can’t believe you didn’t think to include that in the budget section—do you even know what you’re doing?”

• Constructive feedback: “I felt hurt when you canceled last minute. I’d appreciate more notice next time. Has your availability become more challenging lately?”
• Personal attack: “Wow, I guess I just don’t matter to you at all anymore.”

• Constructive feedback: “You spoke confidently, but the key points were a bit rushed. Slowing down would make it more impactful.”
• Personal attack: “You totally botched that presentation. You’re impossible to follow.”

Remember that no one is perfect, and individuals who expect you to be a problem-solver will understand that mistakes will happen from time to time and improvements are a part of the journey. Those who are expecting a people-pleaser will seek out these flaws just to take advantage of.

Do they recognize your efforts or dismiss your input?

People who expect you to be a problem-solver will acknowledge and appreciate your contributions. They understand that the things you do are meant to build upon a bigger goal. On the other hand, People-pleaser dynamics can feel dismissive and complaintive. Unlike constructive feedback that seeks to strengthen your contributions, dismissives are meant to completely devalue the positives you have contributed. No matter what you do, there is no genuine praise for it.

• Recognition: “Thanks for your research—it helped us decide on our next steps.”
• Dismissal: “Yeah, but your little tips don’t really fix the bigger problem, do they?”

• Recognition: “I greatly appreciate you cooking dinner—it was delicious.”
• Dismissal: “You didn’t even make dessert though, did you?”

• Recognition: “Thanks for handling that customer issue—it saved us from losing that deal.”
• Dismissal: “Well, that call took a lot longer than it should have, and we still have more complaints to get through.”

If someone rarely ever acknowledges your hard work, they may be expecting you to keep bending over backward for their approval. Understand that their lack of recognition is not a reflection of the value of your contributions.

Conclusion

People who expect you to be a problem-solver will be willing to work with you and acknowledge the progress that’s made for the issue at hand. People who are seeking a people-pleaser care more about the drama and the emotional exploitation connected to the issue than they do about the issue itself. If anything, the issue is treated more as a means to capture your attention. 

If you have identified the individual as someone seeking a people-pleaser, do not feed their ego. If it is a task that you cannot complete, no means no, no matter what insults they use to provoke you to change your mind. If it is a task that you are responsible for, do not expect praise or acknowledgment from these individuals. Your efforts will be minimized. Know that there will be people who truly appreciate your contributions and the person you are These are the ones to provide your attention.

Never forget how awesome you are, and remember to respect yourself each day, one story at a time.

Take care,

Kyndall Bennett from Kyrabe Stories

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